I never really talk about you,and I try not to bring you up..I just want to forget . neverforget.

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The amount of tears i’ve cried, is nothing compared to the pain I hold inside..the pain is so deep inside of me that no one will ever see,
I take the pain and lock it up and throw away the key.
Because if I take this pain out of the bottle for anyone to see,
nobody would recongnize me. I woudln’t be the one everyone knows the one you know because It wouldn’t even be me.The one I was months and years ago disappeared the night you left. It doesn’t feel right. I smile on the outside but within my hearts in rage.. I can’t believe you did this I am so angry with you and it sucks because I can’t take it up with you. Things just haven’t been real from that day on..I can’t believe how selfish you were to do what you did.. I can remember like yesterday that phone call mom recieved from eddie telling her that you just died.. it was annie,mom and, I and honestly, nobody thought it was you we thought that it was some other kid.. I still from today don’t believe that it was you because your to stubborn to take your own life. I can’t believe you did this. I refuse to believe that you did this. Your the type of person that would do what tupac did and fake your death…Sometimes I feel like absoulte shit because the last message I received from you was saying “I am so depresed” know what I did with that message ..I never read it I didn’t give you the time or day because we were fighting about something but I can’t remember what it is so that is how important that fight was that I can’t even remember why or what we fought about. I feel like if I just wrote back and talked to you it would have made a difference. But it drives me crazy because two days before all this you were fine I don’t understand why all this happened.. there is so much I wish I could tell you and so much i’ll never get to tell you. Sometimes I wish I could pick up the phone and call you.. I can’t even remember how your voice sounds anymore.. I don’t think I ever imagined how much pain I would be in once you were gone …mostly because I never thought you would do something so stupid because if you had you would have never left me like this.. the word anger,love,hate can’t even express the amount of emotion I feel inside with trying to not grasp this and learning to let go I cannot expressing myself after all that has happened you left me when my whole world crashed down. You left me at the most critical time in my life..but you helped me forget my past and you helped me go to sleep,you were the one who watch me through it all..Through the death of my closest friends you didn’t let me fall..I feel like because of you, you are the only one that can get through to my hurt. I love you. I always find my mind wondering how life would be, if you were still here

Catching up with life w/ my one and only Richard,

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When I met you I wasn’t prepared to fall in love neither except to fall in love…When I met you I truly had no idea how much my life was about to be change but to be honest with you how could I have known ? Love happen only a few times and according to you there is only three soul mates so I hope I am one of them. You  are everything I have ever dreamed of and when you came into my life I suddenly realized that what I had always had was never quite in front of me I was kind of lost and that being far away we never thought it would work so we never took the chance.I didn’t know what trust was, before we met I didn’t know I could feel like this, before we met.I find myself missing the times we never had before we met.I do not know how I ever lived without knowing we could become what we are today. And I’m happy I do. I’m happy I have you. If only you could step inside my heart for just a moment or two you might be overwhelmed by what I feel for you a love, pure and simple love that has no end and longs to hold you near for now and forever; for as long as we’re both here but yet far I always want to hold you close, I want to hold your hand I never want to let you go; you’re the best I’ve ever had.The first time we met I knew you were here to stay at least that is what I thought.The day you came into my life and everything that was wrong became all right everything that was upside down turned around and I smiled because finally my heart had found its home and I didn’t need anyone to tell me that you are where I belong I knew, I just knew that it was you and the morning sun it would rise and shined into my eyes and every wish I had ever made came to life that one fateful day and I smiled because finally my life and everything made perfect sense for once in my life,but I didn’t need someone to tell me that this was love or what it meant I knew, I just knew I was meant for you. I thought that I would spend my whole life waiting for someone who looks at me the way I looked at him,but then that is where you came along and changed all of that and proved to me that I WAS so ignorant to even think that,you are my inspiration. The one that I think of, just to become happy again. I think of that smile,that makes my heart go hundred-thousand miles. I think of that laugh,that makes me forget my past. When you looked down at short self it makes me wonder,what you could be thinking when I look you in them brown eyes. When we look face to face I swear I can’t do anything i can’t do anything except smile

I haven’t been on here for a while

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We met once and we met again and more and more, and days turned to months and months to years, That small spark that had lit all those years ago had now turned into a flame
Then came the winter again, Your thoughts drifted from me, you wished to be left alone,I sat alone, thinking of what you were thinking, I wait by the phone, Alone in my home, without and now wishing to hear your voice, That happiness I had once fixed my heart, as every beat skips
I wish you could be back here, these days alone are changing that flame,Making me think about this whole new game,I feel so alone, that flame now gone is now being replaced
Times changed you said as you walked out that door,I sat there watching you go bye, out my door closing it behind you from that day on I knew I had to change the locks on my doors because I know you would come back whenever you wanted but as I sit, always stuck on you, the past is my only lore. It’s like a dream that’s turned to a nightmare, something I cannot erase, That flame that once existed is now turned ice cold, it’s the clear see through ice that has replaced it never again to melt for anyone anymore, and as I think about what I am saying and how I feel the damage that has been done to me will make me be different and will affect the way I love and care for other people and will hurt people because the anger of never being good enough and being mistreated and the manipulation and constantly having to walking on eggshells and being told how to live my life and constantly being judged and put down.You have set me in these ways were I am stuck. I have people telling me how messed up I am with the way I think and feel right and wrong. Its so terrible that I got used to the way I was mistreated. I’ve set my own hearts pace to know that I can never love again until I know it is right .You broke my heart and in turn I stay alone forever to come. To think that things were so good, a part of me left my body it feels not good, not even a little good at all.

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