Once Again

We met once and we met again and more and more, and days turned to months and months to years, That small spark that had lit all those years ago had now turned into a flame
Then came the winter again, Your thoughts drifted from me, you wished to be left alone,I sat alone, thinking of what you were thinking, I wait by the phone, Alone in my home, without and now wishing to hear your voice, That happiness I had once fixed my heart, as every beat skips
I wish you could be back here, these days alone are changing that flame,Making me think about this whole new game,I feel so alone, that flame now gone is now being replaced
Times changed you said as you walked out that door,I sat there watching you go bye, out my door closing it behind you from that day on I knew I had to change the locks on my doors because I know you would come back whenever you wanted but as I sit, always stuck on you, the past is my only lore. It’s like a dream that’s turned to a nightmare, something I cannot erase, That flame that once existed is now turned ice cold, it’s the clear see through ice that has replaced it never again to melt for anyone anymore, and as I think about what I am saying and how I feel the damage that has been done to me will make me be different and will affect the way I love and care for other people and will hurt people because the anger of never being good enough and being mistreated and the manipulation and constantly having to walking on eggshells and being told how to live my life and constantly being judged and put down.You have set me in these ways were I am stuck. I have people telling me how messed up I am with the way I think and feel right and wrong. Its so terrible that I got used to the way I was mistreated. I’ve set my own hearts pace to my own speed it is only right .You broke my heart and in turn I stay I might have to stay alone for awhile because I feel you are the only one I would fall for so hard . To think that things were so good, a part of me left my body it feels not good, not even a little good at all.

What’s your story ?

I wrote this to someone special and I want to share this with my bloggers.

Dear R.C
I find myself constantly in search of a deeper meaning. When I look at you Richard I want to know your whole story. What makes you who you are; what makes you tick.
It’s like When I see a book, I want to know what prompted the writer to create it. I want to know the thought process behind the book, and what made them dedicate their time to writing it. just like wnen I’m in nj and I walking and see couples holding hands, or sitting together at my work or whatever I cannot help but find myself wondering how they met or what makes them stay together. Why ? Because I would love to make my relationship stronger and stronger and I am still learning how to be in a relationship.
my main question I have in life is “Why?”
When I attempt to have these conversations with you, I tend to get three types of responses.Either you are delighted to discuss somewhat of your life..It’s refreshing to be asked about and to have someone respond with an actual interest. But most of the time when I ask you about your life or why your depressed or whatever why your angry you deem me as nosy, overly curious or just as annoying. “Why do you care?” Which I find you to be in this category and that it is impossible that you actually want to know about their lives, therefore there is a motive behind your questions and maybe you feel I am probably judging you or something but it’s not even like that I would just like for my amazing intelligent boyfriend to …Therefore you want little to do with me and my THERAPIST SESSION ..People do not care. but I care about you. I feel like you have never questioned the question, “What makes me the person that I am?” Therefore questions that aim at identifying your life and that it literally hold no interest to them. They believe they are who they are and do not take into account any deeper meanings.
Unfortunately I find myself disappointed by this desire if that’s how you want to be R.C. Whenever I attempt to have a more insightful conversation with you Richard…that same interest is normally not returned.

“It just works,” or “It just happened that way,” tends to be the responses I receive. And then there is my least favorite one, “I don’t know.”

I cannot comprehend how you do not consider a deeper meaning. There is so much more than beyond the surface in life. I truly believe that in order to understand a person that you have to genuinely care about who they are and why they are the person that they are. Especially within a relationship R.C Nothing thrills me more than hearing an experience that explains why a person acts a certain way. It can be as simple as, “I was attacked by a dog as a kid, so now I do not like to be around them,” to as deep as a person going into their horrific past that still haunts them to this day. Like your bike accident and people driving crazy makes you have anxiety attacks…Every single person has been affected by something in their life that caused them to change EVERYONE Life is full of constant events that impact our lives and change who we are… whether we realize it or not we are who we are for a reason. Everyone is on this EARTH as a example and everyone has a different purpose.

Now maybe you’re wondering why yourself; Why am I so interested in wanting to know your past and what’s making you depressed and your anger you hold ?Honestly, because I Love you and I believe there is a lot that can be learned from talking to people is a passion for me and allows me to learn not only about them, but also about myself. Through talking to other people I have discovered my passion of wanting to help people . I have discovered my love of writing. I have realized my love for you “R.C”. I have recognized my love of knowledge. I don’t always use it but when I do I learned all of this because these are the things I found myself constantly repeating as I told the story of “Who is Victoria Elizabeth ?”These components help make me who I am. Of course there is a lot more to me; my dreams, my tragedies, my flaws, etc.But I have learned to love every aspect of myself; good and almost all bad … I am still working with my self-esteem and how to love my body more but it’s not all about looks I am down to earth and I have a great personality which makes me beautiful. All because I have been able to talk with others and hear about people who have it better and who also have it worse than me. I have met people who were given everything in life, and I have also had talked with people who fought for everything they had and can never catch a break. I am constantly getting a peak into your mind bae and becoming more aware of mine as I do it.
Maybe I would never have known that I loved to write if someone had not recommended to start writing about my feelings since I didn’t know who I was because someone else was controlling life and even worse when I love someone so much I literally stop living for myself and start living for the other person and then, it just goes down hill and then I don’t know how to deal with myself . And how I was feeling,how to dress,what I liked what I didn’t like,where my money went ,my friends etc. i love writing and maybe is it possible that I would have never discovered my love of writing if I had not talked to someone who had made it their life? The honest answer is maybe. There is of course a possibility that I would never have discovered these things on my own…maybe I would I don’t know but I still today man learning who I am today Yet through talking to people about their experiences, I am able to broaden my perspective. I might hear something and think to myself, “How awesome , I should try that and see if that is something that would interest me.” Sometimes it turns out to be something that I hate, like going to sdhikkbnbut at least I now know that about myself and am able to honestly say, “I tried this and it was not for me.” Yet sometimes it results in an amazing journey that helps me to become even closer to understanding myself… To sum this up I will leave you with a summary of my hope for you as a result of reading this. My advice is simple. Search for a deeper meaning because it will not only help create lifelong connections with me but it will make you a better person down to your core…I can promise you. You will learn about who you are, and why. Life will become more meaningful and you will embark on Understanding who you are helps you to love yourself and be completely happy with the person that you are. So should we not desire to know the meaning to our life and aim to understand others as we go through this thing called, “life” baby . SORRY FOR ANY MISS SPELLING VENTING !!

I never really talk about you,and I try not to bring you up..I just want to forget . neverforget.

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The amount of tears i’ve cried, is nothing compared to the pain I hold inside..the pain is so deep inside of me that no one will ever see,
I take the pain and lock it up and throw away the key.
Because if I take this pain out of the bottle for anyone to see,
nobody would recongnize me. I woudln’t be the one everyone knows the one you know because It wouldn’t even be me.The one I was months and years ago disappeared the night you left. It doesn’t feel right. I smile on the outside but within my hearts in rage.. I can’t believe you did this I am so angry with you and it sucks because I can’t take it up with you. Things just haven’t been real from that day on..I can’t believe how selfish you were to do what you did.. I can remember like yesterday that phone call mom recieved from eddie telling her that you just died.. it was annie,mom and, I and honestly, nobody thought it was you we thought that it was some other kid.. I still from today don’t believe that it was you because your to stubborn to take your own life. I can’t believe you did this. I refuse to believe that you did this. Your the type of person that would do what tupac did and fake your death…Sometimes I feel like absoulte shit because the last message I received from you was saying “I am so depresed” know what I did with that message ..I never read it I didn’t give you the time or day because we were fighting about something but I can’t remember what it is so that is how important that fight was that I can’t even remember why or what we fought about. I feel like if I just wrote back and talked to you it would have made a difference. But it drives me crazy because two days before all this you were fine I don’t understand why all this happened.. there is so much I wish I could tell you and so much i’ll never get to tell you. Sometimes I wish I could pick up the phone and call you.. I can’t even remember how your voice sounds anymore.. I don’t think I ever imagined how much pain I would be in once you were gone …mostly because I never thought you would do something so stupid because if you had you would have never left me like this.. the word anger,love,hate can’t even express the amount of emotion I feel inside with trying to not grasp this and learning to let go I cannot expressing myself after all that has happened you left me when my whole world crashed down. You left me at the most critical time in my life..but you helped me forget my past and you helped me go to sleep,you were the one who watch me through it all..Through the death of my closest friends you didn’t let me fall..I feel like because of you, you are the only one that can get through to my hurt. I love you. I always find my mind wondering how life would be, if you were still here

Catching up with life w/ my one and only Richard,

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When I met you I wasn’t prepared to fall in love neither except to fall in love…When I met you I truly had no idea how much my life was about to be change but to be honest with you how could I have known ? Love happen only a few times and according to you there is only three soul mates so I hope I am one of them. You  are everything I have ever dreamed of and when you came into my life I suddenly realized that what I had always had was never quite in front of me I was kind of lost and that being far away we never thought it would work so we never took the chance.I didn’t know what trust was, before we met I didn’t know I could feel like this, before we met.I find myself missing the times we never had before we met.I do not know how I ever lived without knowing we could become what we are today. And I’m happy I do. I’m happy I have you. If only you could step inside my heart for just a moment or two you might be overwhelmed by what I feel for you a love, pure and simple love that has no end and longs to hold you near for now and forever; for as long as we’re both here but yet far I always want to hold you close, I want to hold your hand I never want to let you go; you’re the best I’ve ever had.The first time we met I knew you were here to stay at least that is what I thought.The day you came into my life and everything that was wrong became all right everything that was upside down turned around and I smiled because finally my heart had found its home and I didn’t need anyone to tell me that you are where I belong I knew, I just knew that it was you and the morning sun it would rise and shined into my eyes and every wish I had ever made came to life that one fateful day and I smiled because finally my life and everything made perfect sense for once in my life,but I didn’t need someone to tell me that this was love or what it meant I knew, I just knew I was meant for you. I thought that I would spend my whole life waiting for someone who looks at me the way I looked at him,but then that is where you came along and changed all of that and proved to me that I WAS so ignorant to even think that,you are my inspiration. The one that I think of, just to become happy again. I think of that smile,that makes my heart go hundred-thousand miles. I think of that laugh,that makes me forget my past. When you looked down at short self it makes me wonder,what you could be thinking when I look you in them brown eyes. When we look face to face I swear I can’t do anything i can’t do anything except smile

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